NewsNStuff (Copyright)



THINGS ABE LINCOLN WOULD SAY IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY

I got a killer headache!

Does this big hat look stupid on me?

I freed who?

My old lady is a nut job!

Internet porn is cool!!!

I think I need a facelift!

Sometimes spiders nest in my beard!

Get me out of this fucking coffin!!!


WHY BRITNEY SPEARS DOESN'T WEAR UNDERWEAR

She likes the cool breeze.

To prove she's not a man.

For easy access.

Because she has a major skidmark problem.

To prevent spiders from nesting.

To tease her 10-year-old boy fans.

So her farts don't get trapped.

Because she's a whore.


IF I WERE KING

O.J. Simpson's penis would be hacked off!

Mexico would become the 51st State of the Union.

Jimmy Carter would be deported to Iran.

The White House would be painted pink.

Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson would be ordered to fight
to the death.

Sean Penn would be forced to have sex with Rosie O'Donnell.

If a person is seen picking their nose in public they will
be put to death by firing squad.

Robert "The G-Man" Shields would become the new  
host of "The Tonight Show."


THINGS THAT WILL NEVER BE

France will never win a war.

We'll never see gas under $2 a gallon again.

Michael Jackson will never have a hit song again.

There will never be a cure for toe jam.

You'll never see the New York Times tell the truth.

The American people will never figure out which Olsen twin is which.

There will never be a cure for "cooties".


CELEBRITY FACTS

Woody Allen: In high school he was beaten up by the kids in the handicapped class.

Robert Blake: He once shot his dog and blamed it on his cat.

Marlon Brando: He used to bite his toenails.

Marv Albert: His toupee is made of skunk fur.

Tim Burton: He has never combed his hair.

Naomi Campbell: She once hit her mother over the head with her cell phone.

Winona Ryder: She stole her first car at the age of seven.

Snoop Dogg: His sisters name is "Snoop Cat".

Zsa Zsa Gabor: In Hungarian "Zsa Zsa" means "WHORE".

Whittney Houston: She no longer smokes crack, now she eats it.

Jack Nicholson: He once tried out for the L.A. Lakers.

Andy Dick: His real name is Andy Penis.


7 GROSS THINGS

1. Envisioning Anna Nicole Smith and her 90-something husband having sex.

2. Richard Simmons.

3. Barry Manilow's bad facelift.

4. Watching a snake eat a mouse.

5. What Linda Ronstadt looks like today.

6. The legs of Barack Obama's wife.

7. Performing oral sex on a 400-pound woman who just finished a two-mile jog.


REASONS I WILL NEVER VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA

His middle name is Hussein.

Because he refuses to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Because he claims to be black, when in fact he's half white.

He refused to wear an American flag pin.

By his past voting record he's all talk and no action.

Because I believe he's our next Jimmy Carter.

Because if elected he would invite the Rev. Al Sharpton and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakan to visit the White House.

Because Obama rhymes with Osama.


COMEDY OF QUESTIONS

Who has the bigger set of ears! An elephant or Barack Obama?

Who has had more sex! A ten year old rabbit or Ron Jeremy?

Who has the longer penis! A Clydesdale horse or Tommy Lee?

Who has the larger set of nuts! Shaq or Rosie O'Donnell?

Who has the fatter ass! A Brahma bull or Oprah Winfrey?


7 GROSS THINGS

1. To see Hillary Clinton naked.

2. Obese women wearing tight clothes.

3. Eating raw Oysters.

4. Belly dancers with pot bellies.

5. People who let spit build up in the corners of their mouth.

6. To watch an entire L.A. Clippers basketball game.

7. Joan Rivers' plastic face.


THINGS THAT WILL NEVER BE

You'll never hear the Rev. Al Sharpton say he likes white people!

You'll never hear a Jew say "I'm dyin' for a ham sandwich!"

We'll never see gas prices under $2 a gallon again!

You'll never hear Barack Obama recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

There will never be a cure for cancer.

Michael Jackson will never have another hit song!

You'll never see Michael Moore refuse a cheeseburger!!!


55th. Annual Grammy Award Winners

Record of the Year:  "Rehab"--- Lindsey Lohan

Best New Artist: Bob Dylan

Best Rock Album:  "Smash Your Head"--- Wayne Newton

Rap Album of the Year: "MO FO"--- The MO FO'S

Country Album of the Year: "Death of the Cow"--- Ted Nugent

Latin Album of the Year: "Montezuma's Revenge"--- The Taco Benders

Best Spoken Word: Ozzy Osbourne

Comedy Album of the Year: "Who Farted"--- Robert "The G-Man" Shields



FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Elvis Presley   "I gotta take a dump"

Buddy Holly    "I love to fly"

Johnny Carson    "Hereeeee's Death"

Princess Di    "Slow the fuck down"

Abraham Lincoln    "I've got a killer headache"

John Holmes    "My dick hurts"

George Washington    "I'm tired of wearing this goddamn wig"

Peter Boyle    "I hate Raymond"

Natalie Wood    "Oh shit! I can't swim"

Adolph Hitler    "I hope there's not a hell"

Sammy Davis Jr.    "Has anyone seen my glass eye?"

Dean Martin    "Fuck Jerry!"

Sonny Bono    "OH SHIT!"



FUN FACTS

As a child Arnold Schwarzenegger was a member of the Hitler youth.

The "Battle Hymn of the Republic" was originally written as a rap song.

Taking multi-vitamins makes one's pee turn pretty colors.

The original name of the legendary band The Beach Boys was The Sand Fleas.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee had such a large penis when he was born, he had to be circumcised three times.

Baseball great Babe Ruth once tried to bunt a pitch and by accident he hit a home run.

If a person has too much ear wax in their ears, they may have trouble hearing themselves think.

Blackbeard the Pirate was really a blond.

Before the San Francisco 49ers were called the 49ers they were called the 69ers.



SECRETS OF THE CANDIDATES

HILLARY CLINTON:
The last time Bill Clinton had sex with Hillary his penis threw up!

MITT ROMNEY:
He has nine wives, 24 children and eight grandchildren.

JOHN EDWARDS:
He not only pays $400 for a haircut, he pays $150 to have his pubic hair trimmed.

BILL RICHARDSON:
Before he was elected governor of New Mexico he picked tomatoes for a living.  

JOE BIDEN:
The hair that was transplanted to the top of his head came from his ass!

BARACK OBAMA:
As a child he was once a classmate of Osama Bin Laden.

DENNIS KUCINICH:
He is an alien from the planet Uranus!

JOHN McCAIN:
He likes to be tidied up during sex.

RUDY GIULIANI:
Is the boss of the Gambino crime family.



Biography Book Titles for Famous People

Bill Clinton: "My life as a pervert"

Sean Penn: "America, the land I hate"

Ellen Degeneres: "They call it puppy love"

Lindsey Lohan: "Last Call!"

Larry King: "Suspenders and Wrinkles"

Jay Leno: "Jawmaster"

Britney Spears: "Flashing the Bush"

Don Imus: "I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry Already!"

Donald Trump: "The Death of My Barber"

Bob Dylan: "???$$##@&???#!!!??????????"

Howard Stern: "Who Farted?"



QUESTIONS FOR SOME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CANIDATES

Hillary Clinton:
If you are elected president will Bill and his girlfriend live in the White House too? and, Are you a closet lesbian?

Rudy Giuliani:
Are you glad you cut off your bad comb-over?

Barack Obama:
Why do you always claim to be black when in fact you're half white! Are you ashamed of being half white?

Mitt Romney:
Since you are a Mormon, how many wives do you have?

Dennis Kucinich:
Since you claimed to have seen a UFO, is it possible that you are an alien yourself?

Ron Paul:
Are you sure that you are not a Democrat?

Joe Biden:
Since your hair transplant was so poorly done, did you ask for you money back?

John Edwards:
Since you are known to pay $400 for a haircut, how much do you pay for a pedicure?

Fred Thompson:
Which would you rather win, the presidency or an Oscar?



WISDOM OF THE G-MAN

Never buy toilet paper from a company that also manufactures sandpaper.

One should never stick their tongue in the moving blades of a oscillating fan.

Women should never remove leg hair by using duct tape.

It's never a good idea to run into a movie theater yelling "I HAVE A BOMB."

One should never ask a cop if he has change for a penny.

Never attend a Raiders game without boxing gloves.

It's better to have toe jam than dingle berries.

A guy should never wear a cheap toupee.

If someone should find skid-marks in their underwear they should burn them as soon as possible.

A man should never take Viagra if he has a stiff neck.



THINGS PARIS HILTON DID IN PRISON

She tried to escape by filing the bars of her cell with a Fingernail file.

She Shanked a prison guard.

She converted to Islam.

She had the words "DO NOT ENTER" tattooed on her ass.

She started lifting weights and smoking Camel cigarettes.

She kept trying to use her shoe as a cell-phone.

She remodeled her cell.

She ate the same food that all the other inmates ate, Lobster,Steak.Pizza, Caviar and Ding Dongs.

She made Jailhouse wine in the toilet in her cell.

She was involved in a Gang Fight between the BLOODS and CRIPS.

She was Raped by the prison Chaplain.

She was caught carving a gun out of a bar of soap.

She was nicknamed "MADDOG" by the other inmates.

She told the prison Guards that she thought she looked HOT in stripes.

She had sex with the Warden.



NEVER TRUST

Never trust a speed freak or a crack whore.

Never trust a chick when she says she's on the pill.

Never trust an Oakland Raiders fan.

Never trust a Muslim who is wearing a backpack.

Never trust Billy Joel to drive your car.

Never trust an auto mechanic.

Never trust someone who refers to you as "My Friend."

Never trust Shaq to make a free-throw.

Never trust a guy who has a tattoo on his penis.

Never trust a car salesman who has a Mohawk.

Never trust Mel Gibson to stop drinking.

Never trust L.A. Mayor Antonio Veragosa when he's around your wife.



Political Secrets

George W. Bush functions on only three brain cells

Sen. Hillary Clinton is a closet lesbian

Sen. Barack Obama is Osama Bin Laden's right hand man.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's father was the janitor in Adolf Hitler's bunker.

When Vice President Dick Cheney was a Boy Scout he was trained to be a sniper.

Jimmy Carter's presidency floundered because of his heavy heroin usage.

Sen. Robert Bird is still a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Bill Clinton once had sex with a sheep in the Oval Office.

Sen. Ted Kennedy only drinks ZIMA at parties.

Sen. Barack Obama is the real life Manchurian Candidate.



BAD IDEAS

It's a Bad Idea to trust a Frenchman.

It's a Bad Idea to tell Mike Tyson to his face that he's a PUSSY.

It's a Bad Idea to ever have a Beer Enema.

It's a Bad Idea to ask Rosie O'Donnell to step on a weight scale.

It's a Bad Idea to consume Cocaine, Marijuana, and a six pack of beer before attending Church.

It's a Bad Idea to be in possession of a handgun when visiting with the President of the United States.

It's a Bad Idea to say to a Police officer "HEY PIG"!

It's a Bad Idea to attend a N.A.A.C.P. conference dressed as a KLANSMAN.

It's a Bad Idea to watch a Micheal Jackson interview on TV without a BARF-BAG near by.



THE G-MAN AWARDS

The "Shut-up" Award goes to: Rosie O'Donnell

The "Kiss my ass" Award goes to: Rev. Al Sharpton

The "Drop dead" Award goes to: Micheal Moore

The "Cheater" Award goes to: L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa

The "Dummy" Award goes to: Alec Baldwin

The "Coward" Award goes to: Nev. Sen.Harry Reid

The "Slithering Snake" Award goes to: Attorney Howard K. Stern

The "Loser" Award goes to: Mike Tyson

The "Bonehead" Award goes to: Britney Spears

The "Ugly" Award goes to: Rush Limbaugh

The "Freak" Award goes to: Dennis Rodman

The "PETA" Award goes to: Micheal Vick



14 SENTENCES WHICH WILL NEVER BE SPOKEN

1. I brush my teeth with a sledgehammer.

2. Could I please park my car on your house?

3. Hey! your dog had sex with my Gerbil!

4. I Farted so loud I went deaf.

5. Would you please continue stalking me!

6. I wish I were broke and homeless.

7. I worked my ass off and now I'm completely Buttless.

8. When I grow-up I wanna be a Heavy Metal Opera Singer.

9. Everyone should wear their Thong backwards.

10. My G.I. Joe doll raped my sisters Barbie doll.

11. Would you please spit in my ear!

12. I have a tattoo on my rectum.

13. My Toe-Jam tastes like chicken.

14. I would rather be pissed on than pissed off.



THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BATMAN AND THE G-MAN

BATMAN wears a mask
G-MAN wears sunglasses

BATMAN wears a cape
G-MAN wears a bandanna

BATMAN is a crime fighter
G-MAN is a Smartass

BATMAN drives the Batmobile
G-MAN drives a 1984 UGO

BATMAN loves BATGIRL
G-MAN loves his right hand

BATMAN receives calls from Commissioner Gordon
G-MAN receives calls from Bill collectors

BATMAN is called the Cape Crusader
G-MAN is called alot of things by alot of people

BATMAN'S partner is Robin
G-MAN fired his partner

BATMAN wears a Utilitybelt
G-MAN wears a THONG

BATMAN'S Butler is Alfred
G-MAN can't afford a Butler

BATMAN lives at Wayne Manner and the BATCAVE
G-MAN lives in a van down by the river

BATMAN battles the JOKER
G-MAN is a JOKER



THE 49TH. ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARD WINNERS

ALBUM OF THE YEAR:
"Traitors".......The Dixie Chicks

BEST NEW ARTIST:
Chuck Berry

BEST HARD ROCK ALBUM:
"Smashing Heads".......Barry Manilow

SONG OF THE YEAR:
"My Strap-On".......The Dixie Chicks

RAP ALBUM OF THE YEAR:
"Keeping it Real".......Pat Boone

LIP SYNCHER OF THE YEAR:
Ashlee Simpson

COUNTRY ALBUM OF THE YEAR:
"A Little Tenderness".......Rob Zombie

RECORD OF THE YEAR:
"Hair"..........Britney Spears




ALTERNATIVE TITLES FOR THE G-MAN'S UP COMING BOOK

SHUT-UP AND READ

LAUGHTER, GIGGLES AND CONSTIPATION

THE FREAKMASTER

IT AIN'T OVER TILL THE FAT LADY MOWS MY LAWN

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE HORNY

SEX, DRUGS AND POLKA MUSIC

DON'T SHOOT!!!

RHYMES WITH PUCK

THE CROME DOME WONDER

LIE'S ALL LIE'S

LIFE LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF CHICKS

WHO FARTED?????????




WIZDOM OF THE G-MAN

Always wear a bib when eating out of a trashcan.

One should always be careful when picking their nose because they just might scratch their brain.

To save money always recycle used condoms.

Dixie Chicks CD's are better suited to be used as table coasters.

Sex is best done in Jell-o.

Peeing in the shower is acceptable but pooping in the shower is not.

It is not a good idea to pierce ones genitals with a Hand Drill.

It is true that if Police officers dressed in Pink uniforms knowone would take them seriously.

Never pass gas in a crowded elevator or a Court of law.




HOLLYWOOD NEWS

No Doubt leadsinger Gewen Stefani is believed by many to be the most beautiful woman in Pop music, it is also believed by
many that her legs remsemble the legs of a Clydesdale.


Madonna told reporters recently that her job as a performer was to "WAKE PEOPLE UP", But, the truth is she has been
putting millions to sleep for years.


Recently Singer Boy George was busted for possession of Coke, and in a related story Micheal Jackson was arrested for
possession of DR.Pepper.


Actor Alec Baldwin is planning to write a tell all book about his custody battle with his EX-Wife Actress Kim Basinger, Baldwin
and Basinger have been fighting over their 10 year old daughter Ireland, Baldwin says the book will be titled 'I HATE YOU
AND I HOPE YOU DIE YOU BITCH!".


Yesterday Cher was injured and rushed to the hospital, she is reported to be in fair condition, She injured herself when she
accidentally cracked a smile and blew a lip.


It's been reported that Elvis Presley is still dead.


It's been reported that most people wish that Ashlee Simpson were dead.


The buzz in Hollywood today is the rumor that Chevy Chase once made someone laugh.




> I PREDICT <

1. I predict that Micheal Jackson will open a chain of Child day care centers in Bangkok.

2. I predict that a future President of the United States will be an illegal alien.

3. I Predict that murder will be legalized in the city of Compton California.

4. I predict that the sequel to the film "Snakes on a plane" will debut sometime in the future, The sequel will be titled "The
Snakes on Air Force One".

5. I predict that the city of San Fransico will change all their green traffic lights to pink.

6. I predict that all future Motorcycles will have Airbags.

7. I predict because of Global warming Farting will be outlawed.

8. I predict that the singer Elton John will one day become the Queen of England.

9. I predict that the countries of Pakistan and Afghanistan will merge and the new country will be called "STAN".

10. I predict that one day Rat Meat will become the favorite meat of most human beings.




G-Man's 10 Fun Facts

1.   After the comedian Sam Kinison was killed in a car accident his body was cremated and his closest friends smoked his
ashes.

2.  The canine star Lassie was a bitch.

3. Thomas Edison invented the first Blow-up doll.

4.  The fish in the San Fransisco Bay are Gay too!

5.  Eddie Murphy's first wife was actually a Male Transvestite.

6.  The first call that Alexander Graham Bell made once he had invented the telephone was to Domino's Pizza.

7.  Bill Clinton was the first President to use K-Y Jelly in the oval office.

8.  Before the old time singing group "The Ink Spots" went by that name they were called "The Skidmarks".  

9.  Former U.S. President F.D.R. who was confined to a wheelchair was a great wheelchair basketball player.

10.  It's well known that the Chinese people in China have become sick and tired of eating Chinese food.




Alternative Titles for the motion picture "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"

Humpback Mountain

Buttcrack Mountain

Backdoor Mountain

Asscrack Mountain

Hemorrhoid Mountain

Speedbump Mountain

Buttback Mountain

Poopshoot Mountain

Hershey Mountain

Backside Mountain

Rumpranger Mountain

Backcrack Mountain

Buttfuck Mountain




NEWS

During a press conference today Vice President Dick Cheney Accidentally shot twelve reporters, when asked about the
incident the Vice President replied "OOP'S"!

During a Rose Garden Press Conference Thursday President Bush told the White House Press Corp. that he will never
wear a jockstrape again, because when it comes to dealing with Mexico and illegal immigration he has no balls!

In a related story, President Bush was voted the greatest President that Mexico has ever had!

It's been rumored that the "Freak Show" Host Robert "The G-Man" Shields last week purchased 10 Mexican flags and used
them to wash his car.

The Rev. Al Sharpton was involved in a horrific traffic accident Sunday night and his car was completely destroyed, and
sadly, Rev. Sharpton was unharmed and is fine.

In Britain last month a poll taken which asked: Who is the greatest queen of England of all time? And the winner was
ELTON JOHN.

It is believed that France consumes more wine then any other country, and it is believed by most American's the reason
why they consume so much wine is to help them forget that they are French.

Recently comedienne Kathy Griffin filed for divorce from her husband, Matt Moline, in Los Angeles. When asked by
reporters
on what grounds she filed, Griffin replied, "Because I am a beautiful flower and Matt is a big fat porker."

Rap artist 50-Cent has changed his name, he now goes by the name of $1.50.

Actor Colin Farrell confessed to Jay Leno while appearing on the "Tonight Show" that he is a man-whore.

Shock jock Howard Stern has been in a hospital intensive care unit for the last three days recovering from stab wounds he
sustained by accidentally stabbing himself with his big nose.

"Everybody Loves Raymond" co-star Brad Garrett has been given his own spin-off show. Garrett's show is going to be
called
"Everybody Always Hated Raymond."

Newsweek magazine has picked Jessica Simpson as the dumbest person in show business and Al Franken was picked as
the
ugliest.




SPORTS

In Golfing news today at the Masters, golfing great Tiger Woods was observed stroking his putter and playing with his balls.

Yesterday loud mouth wide receiver Terrell Owens was traded to the Bellflower Broncos of the Southern Pop Warner
league, Owens was traded for 2 Big Macs and ! Quarter Pounder.

Music legend Elton John who is a big soccer fan told U.S.A.Today that he is also a big American Football fan, John said the
thing he likes the most about American football is the way the Quarterback lines-up behind the center.

New York Giants Running Back Tiki Barber was asked " If he could have one wish what would that be" and he replied " I
WISH I HAD A NECK"!




NFL INJURY REPORT

Steelers Running Back Willie Parker has a Boo Boo Kansas City's Larry Johnson has a bruised POOP SHOOT Philly Q.B.
Donovan McNabb has been in bed the last two day's with a severe case of the cuddie's.
And Pop Warner wide receiver Terrell Owens has been ill with FOOT IN THE MOUTH DISEASE.

And finally today's scores:
The Laker's beat the L.A. T-Birds 101 to minus 6.
The Dallas Jockstraps outlasted the New York Bras 2 CUPS to 1.
The San Francisco Packers Pounded the Houston Hemorrhoids 10 to 2.
And the Trojans out distanced the Condoms 9 in. to 6 in...
NICKNAMES FOR BARACK OBAMA

The Taxman

Hussein in the membrane

Bongmaster

Mr. Ears

Honker

Barry

Rag Top

The Manchurian Candidate


FAMOUS LAST WORDS

John F. Kennedy: What a beautiful day to take a drive!

Walt Disney: I love that Rat!

Nicole Brown Simpson: O.J., what are you doing here?

Kurt Cobain: I can't believe I married that crazy bitch!

Karen Carpenter: I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger!

Keith Moon: Where's the party?

Fred Astaire: My feet are killing me!

Rock Hudson: I thought AIDS was a candy bar!