| Doctor, Make it stop! I told my doctor Doc I feel like shit Been FARTING ALL DAY And I just can't quit Doc said I have the cure That's never failed before Just shove your finger up your ass And then you won't fart no-more! THE OLD LADY There was an old lady Who lived in a shoe She had a mean oldman Who beat her black n blue So she pulled out a gun And shot him in the head And now she don't worry no more Cause that motherfuckers dead THE MORNING AFTER Woke up one morning With a bloody nose And gas up the ass Still in my street clothes Hungover like a sailor I could hardly think Awoke with vomit in my hair Which made me stink I fell to my knees and prayed To the porcelain god A case of the dry heaves As my stomach gnawed Looked in the mirror All I saw was sin With blood red eyes And puke on my chin THE BEDROOM OF 1969 In my room in a psycho trance Trails on the wall do a Zulu Dance A hippie in a daze wearing tie-dyed pants Mind so free of political stance Purple haze ran through my head All spaced out in my King size bed LSD had me seein Red Afraid that I might wind-up dead It was all my fault that acid trip Thought it would be totally hip The things I saw would make one flip I just about lost my grip On my ceiling was a parasite Afraid to hell that it might bite That Window-Payne fills the heart with fright Thank god I made it through the night |
| THIS HOUSE All alone within this house Nothin' movin' not even a mouse Memories of youth still make me cry Ghostly days long gone by Lost generations within this place The faces of those who lost life's race Freezing nights in a cold bedroom Guido's heroin of death and gloom Embedded memories that refuse to fade Within this house where they were made DEATH #2 Groucho is dead Skelton is dead Capone is dead Gotti is dead Bronson is dead Bogie is dead FDR is dead LBJ is dead Carson is dead Merv is dead Benny is dead Berle is dead Di is dead Pavarotti is dead "BETTER THEM THAN ME" FARTS There's nothing better in life Than a good healthy fart The feeling of total relief As your cheeks flutter apart The louder the better Explosion between the legs Some say silent but deadly With the scent of rotten eggs Some rip like a Machine Gun Or a Sonic Boom Some farts you just can't smell Well others clear the room Yet, one should always be careful When farting we take a chance Cause accidents can happen And one may shit their pants MY NEW GIRLFRIEND I have a new girlfriend We met online She has only one leg And she's partially blind Her teeth are rotten With a face full of zits She has a big fat ass And lopsided tits She sweats like a pig She's rather smelly With a five o'clock shadow As she drags her pot belly She's a living breathing monster A face a baby would dread She's a freak of nature But she's a goddess in bed THE RHYME OF DEAD PEOPLE part 6 John Wayne was the Duke Liberace made me puke Boris Karloff made us scream Ana Nicole Smith made us cream Freddy Prinz used a gun Marvin Gaye was his killer's son W.C. Fields loved his gin Mae West loved her men John Candy died in bed All these people are fucking dead THE RHYME OF DEAD PEOPLE #4 Elvis Presley died on the can Janis Joplin looked like a man Sonny Bono hit a tree Natalie Wood drowned at sea Jim Morrison loved to shock John Holmes had a huge cock Buddy Holly fell from the sky Sammy Davis Jr. had only one eye Marilyn Monroe died nude in bed All these people are fucken dead Trust Regardless of the relationship If you don't trust an individual The relationship is hollow Without trust You put your heart in danger Without trust You put your fortune in jeopardy Without trust You have nothing In regards to all your relationships Trust is the most important factor If you don't trust your spouse Your friends Your doctor Your lawyer Your lover Those relationships are meaningless Because without trust You have nothing Letter to O.J. part 1 Dear O.J., You murdered Ron and Nicole Then you got off scot-free You walked because of a racist jury That don't sound like justice to me With over 800 pieces of evidence They even proved the glove fit They played tapes of you beating your wife You low-life piece of shit I hope someone does to you Like you did to Ron and Nicole I hope if you meet God in heaven He spits on your soul Johnny Cochran was a conman The munchkin Sheck was a punk Shapiro was the blacksheep Bailey was a drunk Kato, your friend was a loser Furhman showed no class So I close with a message to you and the jury Kiss my FUCKING ASS! IRAQ Crossing the desert In the dark of the night Smoke in the distance With bursts of light Bradleys cruising Rumble on the ground Cars on fire Another burning town Suicide bombers A tossed grenade Roadside bombs Syrian made Sand blasted eyes Storms of red The highway of death The nation of dread The Pee Wee Herman Blues They called him Pee Wee even though he was a man the poor guy got busted with his pee pee in his hand He got trapped in a theater like a defenseless little mouse now they changed the name of the place to Pee Wee's Play-house In his mug shot he looked different from the pee wee we grew to love at least he practiced safe sex cause on this hand he wore a glove His crime wasn't a felony it was only a misdemeanor but his career was totally ruined for shakin' hand's with his wiener NUTS Nuts I love nuts Big nuts Small nuts Average nuts I love the taste of nuts in my mouth I toss my nuts I smash my nuts I crack my nuts I carry my nuts in a sack I flip my nuts I suck on my nuts I roast my nuts I hold my nuts in my hand Nuts I love nuts BLAZE Itch Itch Itch Like a son of a bitch Goddamn roids Makes this old man twitch Fire Fire Fire Way down below Preparation - H Fire in the hole Burn Burn Burn Fry Fry Fry Pain in the ass Cry Cry Cry Help Help Help In need of relief Ouch Ouch Ouch I need a fire chief HEATWAVE Southern California Mid July Hot as hell Like a major fish fry All across the country People dieing from the heat Cars without AC With people sticking to their seat Comfort isn't an option Beneath the baking sun No escaping this firestorm No relief for anyone I don't have AC Just a fan by my bed My bedroom is a sauna As the sweat runs down my head Hell has come to roost Global Warming gone insane I bet the devil is dancing a jig As I sweat and pray for rain LONG DISTANCE ADMIRER You're up in the mountains So far away yet you feel so close I hear your voice And read your words But I would rather touch you Technology connects us Your voice inspires me I sense the beat of your heart When we talk time passes so quickly Yet our conversations end too soon Technology connects us It's our lifeline You're up in the mountains So far away Yet you feel so close |
| QUICKIE RHYMES Billy Bob Thornton looks homely He's not much for the eye's to see But yet, I worship the ground he walks on Cause he had sex with Angelina Jolie * * * * * * Woody Allen is a dirty old man Jude Law had sex with his Nanny Charlie Sheen is nut's like his father Eddie Murphy is dating a Tranny * * * * * * Nicole Richie is thin She's a living walking toothpick A Skeleton with skin And she weighs less than my Dick * * * * * * Mel Gibson loves to party He's a man who loves his brew He'll laugh and drink with anyone Well, unless you're a JEW TIME IS RUNNING OUT No one grows younger All things wither away So get off the couch It's time to play Grab the brass ring Win by a rout Enjoy yourself 'Cause time is running out Live for today Throw away your sorrow Yesterday is gone Don't worry about tomorrow We only get one shot And that's beyond a doubt So get on with it 'Cause time is running out MR. BITCH I don't like the Yankees I don't like Britney Spears I don't like Mickey Mouse With his big fucking ears I don't like Louis Farrakan I don't like Spike Lee I don't like David Duke They seem like racists to me I don't like Ashlee Simpson I don't like the Backstreet Boys I don't like those plastic corporate bands With their phoney little noise I don't like country music I don't like rap I don't like fat-ass opera singers It's all a bunch of crap I don't like Jesse Jackson I don't like the religious right I don't like the Ku Klux Klan They make me wanna fight I don't like France and China I don't like the FBI I don't even like me So fuck off and die THE BORDERLINE They sneak into our country In search of a job They openly cheat the system Smuggled in by the Mob America's being invaded Some come from Palestine With evil intentions On the Borderline They freely cross over While our government simply sleeps Not knowing who is crossing Kind of gives me the creeps Could be Al Qaeda Those low-life swine With plans of destruction On the Borderline Illegals run in packs As they overrun our schools Disregarding our laws And not playing by the rules Our society is in danger Our security's in decline Yet our leaders just turn their heads On the Borderline I LOVE IT WHEN IT RAINS Can hear the splatter on the ground As the cars wade through the street A million puddles all around Rescued from the heat Hear the raindrops on the roof As it washes away my pains The sound puts me to sleep Man I love it when it rains Rainbows in the distances With a tender washing mist Thunder near the mountains Pounding like a fist Splashing on my windows Flushing out the drains Drizzle on the vents I love it when it rains EVERYTHING DIES Don't cry for me Don't sigh 'Cause it's natural to die Everyone gets a turn And don't fear Even if the end is near All things fade All things wither away The cycle of life like night after day Nothing lives forever Not an animal nor a tree Everything dies including me FREEDOM OF SPEECH Some dislike the things I say But that's their problem anyway I'm an American and that's my right And for that privilege I will fight Some may hate the flag that I wave But I'll wave that flag til I'm in my grave And I thank the Lord when I pray That I was born in the U.S.A. L.A. City of Angels Life on the street So many lost souls So many shoeless feet The Blue cruise like sharks On these streets of decay Homeless skid-row children Welcome to L.A. Burnt out street lights Smog so thick Cardboard mansions Another lunatic Buried in the city Hopelessness everyday Life in the concrete jungle Welcome to L.A. The Paris Hilton Blues Whiny little rich bitch Was sent away to jail She bawled like a baby And she squirmed like a snail She came down with a rash The Princess couldn't sleep She was put on house arrest By that bald-headed sheriff creep Then she went back to jail And claimed she found the Lord The bitch went nuts And wound up in the psych ward Helpless little rich bitch Was forced to pay the price She thought she was HOT Till they put her ass on ice DEATH Elvis is dead Gilda is dead Belushi is dead Lennon is dead Lincoln is dead Hitler is dead Hendrix is dead Saddam is dead Sinatra is dead Marilyn is dead Reagan is dead Mansfield is dead Brando is dead "BETTER THEM THAN ME!" ROSIE AND THE DONALD Rosie trashed The Donald As if he were a cluts The Bitch called him a pimp Her mouth never shuts She claimed he went bankrupt He said he might sue Then he called her a Fatass With a zero IQ Rosie Questioned his morals And called him a disgrace Then Donald called her a slob With a pigs face Rosie is a Bully But now the tables have turned Cause she pissed off the Donald And now shes getting burned All About Me I give some people the creeps They can't look at me in the eye You can see the fear in their faces Sometimes I make little children cry Some find me odd Or maybe a little weird Maybe it's my Kojak Chrome-Dome And my goatee beard I have 47 tattoos Even one on my toe My nose and tit's are pierced Some call me a freak show People look at me and wonder Is he cool or is he mean? Is he a raving maniac? Or a closet drag queen? I love to be different Separate from the rest To some I'm a train-wreck To others I'm the best HAIL TO THE CHIEFS George Washington was our first Jimmy Carter was our worst Abe Lincoln took a bullet to the head J.F.K. took Marilyn to bed Thomas Jefferson screwed his slave William Harrison went early to his grave Richard Nixon was forced to quit L.B.J. would rather split George W. Bush smoked some pot Gerald Ford fell down a lot Ronald Reagan was the GIPPER And Bill Clinton pulled down his zipper QUICKIE RHYMES Mohammad Ali use to float like a Butterfly and sting like a bee but that was long ago And now he shakes like a tree + + + Janet Jackson shocked the world in fact she made it shit cause while performing at the Superbowl She showed the world her tit + + + Whitney Houston sang like an angel But she doesn't anymore Cause she threw it all away for Bobby Brown And now she's a crack whore + + + Robert Blake was acquitted For shooting his crazy wife Then O.J. gave him a call and said Hey Dude you should have used my knife + + + Bill Clinton told Hillary That Monica scandal was a bummer But I'll always remember Monica with fondness Cause that bitch gave a great hummer The Alphabet Poem A is for apple all red and bright B is for bed where I get fucked in the night C is for carrot all crunchy and yummy D is for dick that comes in your tummy E is for elephant who has a long trunk F is for fag which some call a punk G is for grapes I eat them for lunch H is for hummer I like it a bunch I is for ice cream all cold and sweet J is for jack off when you're beatin' your meat K is for kitten who plays with his yarn L is for lamb who gets raped in the barn M is for mirror which reflects my face N is for nuts down in my naughty place O is for owl who flies in the night P is for penis would you like a bite Q is for quilt which keeps you warm R is for running nude in a storm S is for sun which shines in the sky T is for tickle by some perverted old guy U is for ugly for a face that is scary V is for vagina all pretty and hairy W is for watch for you can hear it tick X is for x-ray to see if you're sick Y is for yo-yo a super fun toy Z is for zipper which holds my bad boy |
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| Poems By G-Man(ALL POEMS COPYRIGHTED) |